$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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