It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize