Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Randomize
