I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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