I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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