can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
