I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
