Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize