Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
