um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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