my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
