peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
