so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it was like having sex with a tree stump
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
