i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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