My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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