Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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