To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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