Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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