Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize