can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
