im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
