Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
