Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
