I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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