If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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