tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
