Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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