bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
