hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
