for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
