Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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