My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
