I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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