my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize