And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Someone came in the potted fern
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize