found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
