HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
