she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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