In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
