My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
