We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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