I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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