Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
