The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
