I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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