I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
