If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
