Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
