no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize