omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
