Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
