C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
