Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
