I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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