My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
