Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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