Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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