I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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