tell your sister to shave her snatch
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
