I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
