Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
