dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I could make wine with my vomit
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
