dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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