just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
