God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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