You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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