when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
