I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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