My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
ttyl tear gas
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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