she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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