Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
