zippers are such a cool invention
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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